Loose Thread

Last Chance

2010-03-10T07:34:00.000-08:00

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightening.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...

Then, he spoke, "Iron this will you and then get me a beer!"

Bubba's got a new truck

2010-03-08T07:01:00.000-08:00

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where d'you git that truck?!?"

"Tammie give it to me," Bubba replied.

"She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want... So I took the truck! "

The biker and the doctor

2010-03-06T07:19:00.000-08:00

A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems.

"Can you describe the symptoms to me."

"Yes... Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!"

Wheelie Bin

2010-03-05T06:51:00.000-08:00

A bin man is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor truck. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Japanese man.

"Hi, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the bin man.

"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realizing the little foreign fellow has misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.

"No ! no ! Mate. Where's your dustbin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the bin man. You're misunderstanding me. “Where's your 'w h e e l i e' bin?”

“OK, OK." replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the bin man's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife's sista!"

The Dragon keeper

2010-03-03T06:25:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, in King Arthur's court, Michael the dragon keeper was in despair for he had an unhealthy obsession with the Queen's breasts. He wanted nothing more than to kiss and suck on those magnificent royal mounds. The desire was unhealthy due to the fact that if the King were to find out about his obsession, he would very soon find himself without a head. Either of them.

Desperate, he approached Horatio, the healer, with his problem. Horatio told him, “Give me 1000 gold pieces and you shall have your heart's desire.” Michael told him that if he delivered on his promise, he would certainly pay him afterwards.

So the very next day, Horatio went and put itching powder in the Queen's brassiere. Needless to say, the sight of the Queen itching and scratching her breasts was not a pleasant sight for the King, arousing though it was, so he sent for Horatio, the healer. Horatio examined the Queen and announced that she was afflicted with a rare disease and the only cure was a substance found in the saliva of none other than Michael, the dragon keeper!

So Michael was summoned to the King's court. Horatio slipped him the antidote to the itching powder and Michael spent a blissful hour sucking and licking and doing whatever he wanted with the Queen's tits.

Afterwards, when Horatio approached Michael for payment, Michael told him to get lost, for he knew very well that Horatio couldn't very well tell the King what had happened without getting himself into deep trouble. Angered Horatio went to the King's closet, found his loincloth (that's medireview for boxer shorts to you) and put a liberal amount of itching powder in it.

Once again, Michael, the dragon keeper was summoned to the King's court...

The Beauty of Mathematics

2010-03-02T06:19:00.000-08:00

1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321

1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111

9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888

Brilliant, isn't it?

And look at this symmetry:

1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111 = 12345678987654321

Mind Boggling :-)

Educated Guesses

2010-03-01T01:05:00.000-08:00

Things people say in the courtroom

2010-02-27T07:39:00.000-08:00

These are words people actually said in court, word per word, taken down and published by court reporters, who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 3
Q: What year?
A: Every year

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This Myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And it what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget
Q: You forget. Can you give us examples of something you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I can't remember.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499
Q: And where is milepost 499
A: Probably between milepost 498 and milepost 500

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident...
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the baby was conceived August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had 3 children right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death
Q: And whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He's about medium height and has a beard.
Q: Was this a male or female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No
Q: So then it's possible that the patient was still alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No
A: How can you be so sure doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nonetheless?
A: Yes, it's possible that he could have been alive and practicing law!

Twenty reasons why English is hard to learn

2010-02-25T06:13:00.000-08:00

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

Late Bloomers

2010-02-24T06:01:00.000-08:00

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."

As kids see the sea

2010-02-22T05:13:00.000-08:00

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.
(Wayne age 7)

Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more.
(Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)

My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs.
(Emily Burniston age 5)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.
(Kevin age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky age 8)

On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny.
(Julie age 7).

Classified Advertisements (what the companies really mean)

2010-02-20T08:17:00.000-08:00

“COMPETITIVE SALARY”
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM”
We have no time to train you.

“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the really daring guys wear earrings.

“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED”
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”
Some time each night, some time each weekend.

“DUTIES WILL VARY”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”
We have no quality control.

“CAREER-MINDED”
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way!)

“APPLY IN PERSON”
If you're old, fat and ugly, you'll be told the position has been filled.

“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”
We've filled the job, our call for resume is just legal formality.

“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”
You'll need to replace three people who just left.

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it!

Working with the FBI

2010-02-18T07:47:00.000-08:00

The phone rings at the FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes, what do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Arthur Mole! He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Mole's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they burst open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Mole and left.

The phone rings at Mole's house.

"Hey Arthur, did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Another blonde joke

2010-02-17T07:33:00.000-08:00

A blonde was sick and tired of hearing jokes about being dumb. She decided to dye her hair black and set out to prove to the world just how wrong they were about blondes.

She drove out of the city and into the country where there were many sheep farms. She spotted a sheep farmer, stopped her car and said, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep are in your field, will you give me a sheep?"

He said, "Sure!"

She counted and said, "131!"

The farmer said, that's right! Go ahead and get a sheep."

The blonde went and got her sheep.

Then the farmer said, "If I tell you what color your hair really is, can I have it back?" and she said, "Yes."

"Blonde. Now give me back my dog!"

Portrait of a Dad

2010-02-16T07:31:00.000-08:00

Cool Inventions

2010-02-15T01:40:00.000-08:00

A fairy tale

2010-02-14T08:08:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there was a prince, who though no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch.

The curse was that the prince could only speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year, he was allowed to speak two words (this was before the time of letter writing or sign language).

One day, he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for to whole years so that he could look at her and say, “my darling.” But at the end of 2 years, he wished to tell her that he love her. Because of this he waited 3 more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5). But at the end of the 5 years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER 4 years without speaking. Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds.

Leading the lovely princess in the most secluded and romantic place in the beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hands in his, said huskily, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”

And the princess tucked a strand of her golden hair behind her dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder and parting her ruby lips she said, “Pardon?”

The Golfer's Wife

2010-02-12T08:51:00.000-08:00

Susan and her husband, William, went for counseling after 27 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Susan went into a passionate, painfully blistering tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 27 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, and so on and so on.

An entire laundry list of unmet needs and slights she had endured over the course of their marriage, most of which William had forgotten or barely remembered. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Susan to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands around her breasts, and kissed her passionately as husband William watched with a raised eyebrow.

Susan shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down, as though in a daze. The therapist turned to William and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

William thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.' Would you mind picking her up?

The Minister and his son

2010-02-11T00:02:00.000-08:00

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the bible a little and get a haircut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back again and asked his father if they could discuss the use of the car. They again went to the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the bible diligently however, you didn't get your haircut."

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair and even Jesus had long hair..."

To which the father replied, "Yes, and they all WALKED every where they went!"

Mike and Maureen in Mars

2010-02-09T06:38:00.000-08:00

Mike and Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They met a martian couple and were talking about all sorts of things. Mike asked if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers and how they made money. Finally Maureen brought up the topic of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asked Maureen.

The male martian responded, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensued and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night (for the sake of Science of course!)

Maureen and the male martian went off to the bedroom where the martian stripped. Maureen was disappointed to find that he has a teeny weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," said Maureen.

"What's the matter?" asked the martian.

"Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he said, and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap his member grew until it was impressively long.

"Well," she said, "this is quite impressive but it's still pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider.

"Wow!" she exclaimed.

They fell into bed and made passionate love.

The next day, the couples joined their normal partners and went their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asked, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," said Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replied. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!"

:-)

Sweet Revenge

2010-02-07T05:17:00.000-08:00

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye said, "Nope, you are. I'm going to set the garage on fire!"

Doctor's Advice

2010-02-06T09:03:00.000-08:00

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND...

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Name that animal!

2010-02-05T04:41:00.000-08:00

Eddie's first grade class was having a game of "name that animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job! Now what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good! Now what animal is this?" She asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. The teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.

Bloopers Galore

2010-02-01T04:32:00.000-08:00

The Vicar

2010-01-28T09:14:00.000-08:00

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist, "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"

"No," she replies, "It's just regular porn, you sick bastard!"

A visit from Grandma and Grandpa

2010-01-25T08:29:00.000-08:00

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad. They're very strong and very expensive.'

'How much?' asked Grandpa.

'$10.00 a pill,' Answered the son.

'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow.'

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, 'I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma!'

ATM Procedures

2009-10-14T06:42:00.000-07:00

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.

MALE PROCEDURE:

1.. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7.. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine..

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

Tatoo

2009-10-11T06:29:00.000-07:00

This guy thought he had the best tattoo in the world...

...until he ended up in prison!

Men's Rules

2009-10-09T06:29:00.000-07:00

Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday + GOOD WEATHER = Sports . It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Captain Cook did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1.. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as CARS OR BOOBS
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? -- It's like camping.

It's a SCAM!

2009-10-07T06:21:00.000-07:00

Warn your friends!!!

How do you define courage?

2009-10-04T06:07:00.000-07:00

Is it to fight a bull in a bullfight?

Is it to drive a formula 1 car?

Is it to fly a fighter in combat?

Is it to practice free falling parachuting?

Is it bungee jumping, wild water rafting?

Is it to gamble your salary on a coin toss?

Is it to insult the doorman in a bar?

Is it to insult your boss?

Those are nothing!

THIS is COURAGE!

Leaving Home

2009-08-05T11:13:00.000-07:00

How to be a gigolo

2009-07-28T16:07:00.000-07:00

Beautiful Sunset

2009-07-21T15:44:00.000-07:00

The trouble with Viagra

2009-07-18T15:36:00.000-07:00

More signs

2009-07-14T04:04:00.000-07:00

Doctor, doctor, I am sick!

2009-07-10T13:24:00.000-07:00

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant, "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and I don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients."

"Yes sir!" answers Murphy

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir," says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: "HELP ME for the love of St. Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!"

"Thunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes..."

The history of the middle finger

2009-07-07T13:06:00.000-07:00

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew."

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew!?"

Since "pluck yew" is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F, and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing! :-P

Dog style

2009-07-04T12:57:00.000-07:00

Effin' village

2009-07-01T12:47:00.000-07:00

Fucking (pronounced "fooking") is a small village in Upper Austria (48' 03"N 13' 51"E), located 33 kilometers north of Salzburg, four kilometers east of the German border and half an hour by car from the town of Petting, in Bavaria.

The settlement Fucking has existed since at least 1070 and is named after a man from the 6th century called Focko.

"ing" is an old Germanic suffix indicating the people of the root word to which it is attached; thus Fucking means "(place of) Focko's people." The village has a population of 104.

Presents for Real Men

2009-05-01T06:54:00.000-07:00

Female Drivers

2009-04-11T07:06:00.000-07:00

It's alive!!!

2009-04-05T06:41:00.000-07:00

Pharmacological Terminology

2009-04-02T05:54:00.000-07:00

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Men in Training

2009-03-31T02:14:00.000-07:00

Duck tales

2009-03-25T01:53:00.000-07:00

Donald Duck is on a dirty weekend and calls reception to ask for some condoms.

The receptionist asks "Shall I put them on your bill"?

Don't be thucking thupid, I'd thuffocate!!!

Never lie to a woman!

2009-03-20T01:41:00.000-07:00

A man called home to his wife and said, “Darling, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up… Oh! And please pack my new, blue silk pyjamas.”

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, “Yes! Lots of salmons, some bluegills and a few swordfishes, but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?”

The wife replied, “I did, dear. They're in your fishing box!”

The Hormone Guide

2009-03-15T01:32:00.000-07:00

Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

Intercepted!

2009-03-12T16:56:00.000-07:00

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking!"

I want to have her disease!

2009-03-05T16:41:00.000-08:00

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition:Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded.

"Pepper"

Computers and Internet

2009-03-01T16:17:00.000-08:00

Modern day couch potatoes...

That's news!

2009-02-24T14:51:00.000-08:00

Drastic Measure

That's discrimination!!!

and finally, the Sweet Lil' Old Lady...

Are you hungry???

2009-02-18T07:34:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you guys but I don't think I can eat in this restaurant even if I'm already starving!

:-P

The sweetest thing...

2009-02-12T05:11:00.000-08:00

Cool Billboards!

2009-02-11T07:12:00.000-08:00

Now that's advertising!!!

:-P

This is how a few fights start...

2009-01-31T06:50:00.000-08:00

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive -- So I took her to a gas station… and then the fight started.

****

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started.

****

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.” Then she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too!” -- and then the fight started.

****

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that's how the fight started.

****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, “Do you know her?” “Yes,” I sighed. “She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since.”

“My God!” says my wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?” -- and then the fight started...

****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter for some reason took my order first. “I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren't you worried about the mad cow?” “Nah, she can order for herself.” -- and then the fight started...

****

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight's darn near perfect.” -- and then the fight started…

Emotional Weather Report

2009-01-27T05:15:00.000-08:00

A study by a Scottish university has concluded that watching romantic comedies can spoil your love life. Brilliant! And if you walk in the rain without an umbrella, raincoat, or waterproof epidermis, you will probably get wet.

It is obvious to anyone who is not required to publish research papers that a moviegoer who expects real life to unfold along the lines of You’ve Got Mail, Maid In Manhattan, The Wedding Planner, and While You Were Sleeping (movies cited in the study) will believe just about anything. It is not watching the rom-coms that spoils her love life; it is the fact that she’s a dolt. For starters, these are terrible movies made to be consumed like popcorn and forgotten. If a movie is terrible, it is a dead giveaway that its message must not be taken seriously.

According to the study, these romantic comedies “wrongly suggest that trust and committed love exist from the moment people meet, whereas these are qualities that normally take years to develop.”

The trouble with the rom-coms of the last 15 years is that they present highly improbable situations, and then they suggest that “This could happen to you.” They cut the characters down to life-like dimensions so that anyone sitting in the theatre can imagine that she is the heroine of the story. Consider these heroines: a tollbooth collector in love with a comatose man, a chambermaid in love with a would-be senator, a wedding planner in love with her client, a bookshop owner in love with her e-mail correspondent. There’s nothing extraordinary about them: the viewers can “relate” to their dilemmas as single women, which usually means bigger box office. Why would you want to alienate your audience by showing them what they cannot have?

And yet the classic Hollywood romantic comedies of the ‘30s, ‘40s, ‘50s and early ‘60s did just that: dazzle moviegoers with impossibly glamorous characters they could not hope to meet in real life. They could dream of them, but they knew it wasn’t going to happen. You’d have to pickle your liver in alcohol before the object of your affections even remotely begins to resemble Greta Garbo in Ninotchka.

The old rom-coms built a wall of glamour between the movies and real life: they were sophisticated escapist fluff. Today’s rom-coms are escapist fluff pretending to be grounded in reality.

This impression of plausibility is abetted by today’s stars, who are more accessible to their public than their predecessors ever were. You can conceivably meet someone who not only looks like Tom Hanks or Jennifer Lopez, but is in fact Tom Hanks or Jennifer Lopez. The stars have come down to earth. Thanks to relentless media coverage, we know everything about them; they might as well be our next-door neighbors. They’ve been demystified. Whereas the old Hollywood studios (and the local LVN and Sampaguita Pictures) kept their stars hidden and private, unknown and desirable.

In the rom-coms of the ‘30s and ‘40s, everyone was constantly imbibing alcohol and nicotine. This sent a clear message to the audience that these characters were drunk, ergo their judgment was impaired, and that they perceived their romantic partners through a thick haze of cigarette smoke. Even if their romances had apparently happy endings, the protagonists would soon expire from cirrhosis of the liver or emphysema. If they stopped
drinking and smoking when they got married, the scales would fall from their eyes and they would see each other for what they really were. End of romance.

Thus they could make a romantic comedy like Bringing Up Baby (Howard Hawks, 1938), in which Katharine Hepburn and Cary Grant are brought together by a leopard. Everything about the movie is implausible, beginning with its characters. We don’t know many paleontologists, but even assuming that one of them looks like Cary Grant, could he be so absentminded as to be unaware that he looks like Cary Grant? And to get engaged to a square who insists on not having a honeymoon?

Lucky for the clueless scientist, bony patrician Katharine Hepburn decides after stealing his golf ball, his car, and causing him to fall flat on his back, that he is the only man for her. Her decision made, she tears his tailcoat, gives his would-be grant sponsor a concussion, and hijacks him on the way to his wedding to deliver a leopard to Connecticut.

Hepburn’s heiress is one of the most exasperating romantic heroines ever. She is bossy and inconsiderate. She casually gets everyone into trouble and expects to be forgiven. And she is, because someone so sure of herself must be of a superior species.

The dorky hero is aware that life with this woman will be manic, frantic and chaotic. He will no longer have time to devote to his research. He will experience constant aggravation. He knows, and the audience knows, that he and she are probably not going to live happily ever after. But the audience roots for this pair because they know something today’s rom-com fans tend to forget.

They know that it’s only a movie!

By Jessica Zafra
December 26, 2008

Japanese Technology

2009-01-19T08:19:00.000-08:00

The Best Car Alarm system

2009-01-08T06:42:00.000-08:00

Did you spent all your money to buy your brand new car so now you can't even afford to buy a decent car alarm system?

Well, here's an ALMOST fool-proof very cheap car alarm system...

Try it!!!

;-P

Inner Peace

2009-01-06T05:58:00.000-08:00

Some doctor on television this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started...

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who frkin gud I fel.

2009 Calendar Girls

2009-01-03T10:23:00.000-08:00

Well you gotta just love 'em!

:-P

Chinese love stories

2008-11-25T07:10:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time in China, there lived a happy couple, Mr. & Mrs. Chan with their 3 lovely daughters, Elaine, Emmy & Ella. The 3 daughters were brought up in a prim-and-proper way so when they reached 20, they were still virgins.

Years passed, and it was time for them to get married. So the parents found them the most suitable “leng chais” (handsome guys) and arranged for their weddings.

As concerned parents, Mr. and Mrs. Chan were curious about their daughters' first-night experience. Hence, before their daughters went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs. Chan told them, “Your father & I want to know about your first night encounters and whether you are satisfied. Write a letter to us, but so as not to raise your husbands' curiosity, you must use a code to describe your experiences.”

After one week, Mr. & Mrs. Chan got their first letter from Elaine. They opened the letter and found the word “STANDARD CHARTERED.” They immediately bought a newspaper and looked for the Standard Chartered advertisement. “Ah! Here it is!” exclaimed Mr. Chan. The motto for Standard Chartered was, “BIG, STRONG and FRIENDLY.”

Mr. & Mrs. Chan were happy. A week later, they received another letter. This time it was from Emmy. The content was simple, “NESCAFE.” So again they bought a newspaper and looked for the Nescafe ad. It says, “NESCAFE: PLEASURE UNTIL THE LAST DROP.” Mr. and Mrs. Chan jumped with joy.
Another week passed then a month and then 2 months but there was still no letter from Ella, so the Chans were becoming worried already.

Finally, one day, the long-awaited letter came. It was scribbled and could hardly be read but Mrs. Chan managed to figure it out. The code was, “PHILIPPINE AIRLINES.”

Mr. Chan was confused on why she chose an airline, so he rushed to the nearest store and bought a newspaper. He flipped through the pages frantically until he finally saw the advertisement. Mrs. Chan grabbed the page and read aloud but before she could finish...THUMP!!! ... She fell off her chair.

The airline's motto was, “Seven times a week, four to six times a day, NON-STOP.

- THE END –

A Happily Ever After Story

2008-11-24T05:40:00.000-08:00

HIS LETTER

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today, and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.

You came home and ate in two minutes, then went straight to sleep after watching all your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want to have sex anymore or anything. Either you’re cheating on me or you don't love m e anymore.

Whatever the case is, I am gone.

Your EX - Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

HER REPLY

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It is true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you got a hair cut last week. The first thing that came to mind was, "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything, if you can't say anything nice.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating steak seven years ago.

I turned away from you when you had those silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning – and your new silk boxers were $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So, when I discovered that I had hit the lottery for Ten Million Dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your letter you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Rich and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born CARL. I hope that's not a problem.

Understanding Women's Language

2008-11-18T06:52:00.000-08:00

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*cK YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Wish Upon a Genie

2008-11-11T02:36:00.000-08:00

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what will it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other And I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, 'Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for ... a good man."

The genie let out a SIGH, rolled his eyes and said,

"Let me see the f*cking map again."

Looking for Mr. Right?!?

2008-10-14T07:34:00.000-07:00

Whoever said that women can't do everything that men can do is dead wrong

On the other hand, I really wouldn't recommend dating these guys!

It's black!

2008-10-12T00:54:00.000-07:00

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replied, “I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "there is nothing wrong with them, Sir!”

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen to me very closely...

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

Zen Teachings

2008-10-09T06:27:00.000-07:00

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air.

It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just get worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

The Search for the Perfect Girl

2008-10-05T05:29:00.000-07:00

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

24 Things to Never Apologize For

2008-10-05T00:46:00.000-07:00

1. Never apologize for pursuing what makes you happy. Even if you need to quit your job, transfer schools, or move across country, always do what you really want.

2. Never apologize for using proper English. Keeping it real doesn't mean you have to speak Ebonics.

3. Never apologize for giving your best in a relationship that just didn't work out.

4. Never apologize for being successful. Only haters want to keep you at their level.

5. Never apologize for crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express yourself.

6. Never apologize for the ten pounds you need to lose. People who truly care about you will accept you as you are.

7. Never apologize for being frugal. Just because you save your money instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn't mean you're cheap.

8. Don't apologize for being a single Mom. Babies are a blessing.

9. Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.

10. Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.

11. Never apologize for keeping the ring even if you did not get married.

12. Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves.

13. Never apologize for saying NO.

14. Never apologize for wearing a weave or braids. You bought it so it's yours.

15. Never apologize to your new friends about old friends. There's a reason she's been your girl from day one.

16. Never apologize for ordering dessert or more than one dessert.

17. Never apologize for dating outside your race. Just because you found Mr. Right across the color line don't mean you don't love your brothas.

18. Never apologize for demanding respect.

19. Never apologize for not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma you know how to order a good take-out.

20. Never apologize for your taste in clothes. It's your style.

21. Never apologize for changing your mind, it is your prerogative.

22. Never apologize for making a decision from your heart, even if others don't agree. You have to live with the consequences not them.

23. Never apologize for making more money than your man, you work hard and you deserve to get paid.

24. Never apologize for being you!

Come to think of it...

2008-10-02T06:49:00.000-07:00

Woman has Man in it

Mrs. has Mr. in it

Female has Male in it

She has He in it

Madam has Adam in it

No wonder men always want to be inside women!

Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman

Why?

BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME!

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

MEN tal illness

MEN strual cramps

MEN tal breakdown

MEN opause

GUY necologist

aand when we have trouble, it's a HIS terectomy!

:-P

A Poem

2008-08-02T11:03:00.000-07:00

A WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man, who's not a creep
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long

One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's gainfully employed
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed

Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to “How big is my behind?”

I pray that this man will love me to no end
And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast
Nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns
a bar on a golf course
and loves to send me fishing
and drinking.

This doesn't rhyme and
I don't give a shit.

MEN & WOMEN'S DICTIONARY

2008-06-04T07:37:00.000-07:00

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING
WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

*40-ish ...... 49
* Adventurous...Slept with everyone
* Athletic ...... No breasts

* Average looking .... Moooo
* Beautiful ........ Pathological liar
* Emotionally Secured ... On medication
* Feminist ...................Fat
* Free-Spritited .............Junkie

*Friendship first ...... Former Slut

* New-Age...

Body hair in the wrong places

* Old-fashioned ......... No BJs!
* Open-minded ........ Desperate
* Outgoing...Loud and embarrassing
* Professional ............ Bitch
* Voluptuous ........... Very fat
* Large frame ............. Obese
* Wants soul mate ....... Stalker

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING
WOMEN'S ENGLISH

* Yes ........... No
* No ........... Yes
* Maybe ......... No

* We need ..... I want

* I am sorry ...
You'll be sorry

* We need to talk...
You're in trouble

* Sure, go ahead ...
You better not

* Do what you want...
You'll pay for this later

* I'm not upset...
Of course,I am you moron!

* You’re very attentive tonight ...
Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING

MEN'S ENGLISH

* I am hungry ... I am hungry
* I am sleepy ... I am sleepy
* I am tired ... I am tired

* Nice dress...

Nice cleavage!

* I love you ...

Let's have sex now

* I am bored ...

Do you want to have sex?

* May I have this dance?

...I'd like to have sex with you.

* Can I call you sometime? ...

I'd like to have sex with you.

* Do you want to go to a movie?

... I'd like to have sex with you.

* Can I take you out to dinner?

... I'd like to have sex with you.

* I don't think those shoes go

...with that outfit ...I'm gay!

On the Other Side

2008-05-29T11:46:00.000-07:00

“Hey Luke!” Lucas’ friend, George called from the next cubicle. “John was just asking me this morning if we’d like to join them on Saturday after we close this deal in Detroit.”

“I can’t” Lucas replied nonchalantly, still engrossed with the piles of papers on his desk.

“John’s cousin works in this pub and he said he could even hook us up with some locals,” George continued, not minding Lucas’ answer.

Lucas went over the last document he had to proofread and edit, before he put it in his outbox. He took a swig of his cold coffee before he seems to notice that George is still talking to him. “I can’t man. I already made other plans.”

George stopped gawking at the scantily clad women in his web browser and looks at Lucas disbelievingly, “You sure?”

Lucas merely nodded his head and said, “Yep, I’m positive.”

“Well okay,” George shrugs his shoulder and continued downloading pictures.

Digital Transcendence

2008-05-17T06:24:00.000-07:00

"Shit!" Pam was cursing herself as she rummages through her closet. "What the hell did I get myself into now? What if Jane is right? What if he's really just this really geeky guy? or worse, a serial killer?!? What if he just wants to get into my pants? -- Although if that is the case, it's really not that bad... hmmm, I wonder how he's like in bed. He looks kind'da athletic. I bet he has great abs! and those lips! I bet he kisses well too... I wonder if he'd think I'm too easy if we sleep together on our first date... I mean it's not like we still don't know each other yet. We've practically discussed everything about ourselves. Heck, I haven't even told Jane some of the things I've told him! Besides I don't think he's the conservative type... oh, who am I kidding?!?"

Pam slumped on the piles of clothes scattered on her bed. "Luke should be more worried about meeting me. I'm a friggin' sex-starved slacker who has no sense of purpose! Damn!"

Pam took her mobile phone and press speed dial. "Hello Ruth? I'm having another really shitty day!" Pam blubbered. "Can you squeeze me in your schedule in a couple of hours?... 5:00 o' clock? Great! Thanks."

Pam sighs and started gathering her clothes, "Nothing like a full body massage and seaweed facial to calm my nerves!"

Probing and Prospecting

2008-05-05T03:00:00.000-07:00

"You're not seriously telling me that you actually like this Lucas guy?!"

"Call him Luke Jane," Pam said distractedly while licking her spoon for some last traces of chocolate pudding.

"Whatever," Jane replied nonchalantly. "I mean what's this about dating men online? Have lost your mind already? You have no idea what this guy is really like. For all you know he could be this psycho killer out to get gullible women he meets online. He could just be pretending to be all nice and perfect but in reality, he could be just as screwed up as your last boyfriend!"

"Look Jane," Pam scowled, "I'm not dating men online! I am merely talking to this guy whom I happen to meet online and all I'm saying is that I think maybe he's nice. I mean we can talk about anything and he really has a good sense of humor and it's been awhile since I've met someone who has the same wavelength as mine --and yeah, I kind'da like him..."

"Pam, No offense meant but I've known you since grade school and I know how you can be such a hopeless romantic... I just don't want you getting hurt again. You're not this young and impressionable girl anymore and I think it's about time that you become more choosy and involve yourself with men of less dubious character."

Jane didn't know if Pam was actually absorbing everything she just said or her mind is drifting somewhere else again. Jane sighs and picks up her bag. "You know, you'll be starting with your new job next week. Who knows if that's where you'll finally meet Mr. Right for you? Think about it Pam..."

Pam nodded her head absentmindedly. "It's really not what you think Jane. I just needed a bit of distraction while I sort out my life, so stop exaggerating already."

Jane gave Pam a quick hug before gathering all her things. "I've to see Todd in 15 minutes... Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone okay?"

"Yes mother!" Pam said teasingly, "If I were you though, I'd be more worried about your too monotonous relationship with Todd. You guys are becomming like this really ancient couple!"

"Yeah right! Well at least he's got flesh and blood!" Jane replied in mocked indignation, "Hey. I got'ta dash. I'm already late!"

Pam switched on her computer as soon as Jane left their apartment. She thought about what she said and shrugged, "She is so exaggerated!"

Lucas: Hi!
Pam: Hey, I didn't see you go online

Lucas: I'm on invisible mode. I usually leave my messenger on when I'm home
Pam: Hmmm... why?

Lucas: LOL...Dun'no. So I won't miss any messages? LOL
Pam: I thought you were just talking to somebody and don't want to be disturbed

Lucas: Naahh... I actually just finished eating dinner, then I heard someone came online.. uhm I was sort of hoping it was you

Pam: haha right!
Lucas: Seriously

Lucas: Actually, I was wondering if you'd be available next Saturday night?

Pam: Huh?
Lucas: I'll be staying in Detroit for 3 days next week and your place isn't really that far...

Pam: About an hour drive?!

Lucas: Well, I don't mind. I've the company car with me... well, that is unless you don't want to see me or something. I mean I don't want to be too assuming or anything like that.. Just thought maybe I'd see you since we've been talking for a couple of months now...

Pam: What time will you pick me up?... :-)

How It Started

2008-03-27T08:15:00.000-07:00

"Great!" Pam muttered to herself as she browsed through her emails for the umpteenth time that day, hoping she'd receive something positive about all the applications she's been sending relentlessly every single day. Except that all she ever got are regret letters or messages from guys working in a bank somewhere in Timbuktu, asking her whether she's interested in "cooperating" with them so they could transfer some deceased guy's million dollar bank account in her name, of which she'll get roughly 30 percent once the transfer is completed. But then to do this, she has to divulge all her bank account details to them, otherwise, how else can they transfer the money to her? Genius eh?!?

"Could my days be any more boring?" Pam sighs. It has been three weeks since she resigned from her all too monotonous job as a Call Center Agent and already her savings is getting depleted faster than she has planned. She thought she'd be able to find another job easily considering how smart, articulate and confident she always projects herself. She didn't counted however on the fact that all she really ever did for the past five years or so is talk to people about their client’s latest products or listen to irate customers about how utterly useless are these latest gadgets they just bought from their clients.

Now she's no longer certain which is worse, working as a Call Center Agent for the rest of her life and risk going deaf from listening too much from all those angry customers yelling at her and then eventually die from chronic sore throat -- OR develop glaucoma from staring too much on the computer and TV while she contemplates about her joblessness.

If only there's someone special in her life right now. Maybe it wouldn't be too bad. At least she'll have someone to talk to or someone would hold her and assure her that everything will be alright soon when the going gets really tough. Sadly, it's been more than a year since she's ever been in anything that resembles a committed relationship.

After going out with Jeff for two years and convincing herself that Jeff is really just innately friendly, ignoring his "inconsistencies" and how he would flirt with other women shamelessly in front of her, she finally admitted to herself that he's a grade-A asshole when one day she went to his place to surprise him only to be the one to be surprised (to put it mildly) when he saw a naked woman “sitting” on his face! Typical story really.

She's doesn't really regret losing him. In fact, there has been so many times in their relationship when she wondered to herself if she's really in love with him or is it just the idea of being in a loving relationship with someone that she's "in-love" with. But the sex, the sex was oh so good! On second thought, good is even an understatement. It's the best laid she's ever had! Sometimes she suspects that it's really just the sex that made her want him. After all, she and Jeff don't exactly have the same wavelength. The only time he was ever expressive of his feelings was during sex.

Pam clicks her mouse absent-mindedly. "FindSoulMates.com," the little banner says. She winced when the web page uploaded on the computer screen. "Yeah right!" she said out loud. She read some of the profiles displayed on the main page and without really thinking, clicked on the next page. "Hmmm, some of these guys look hot!" she muses.

Before Pam considers what she's doing, she was already setting up an account. "What have I got to lose?" she said sheepishly. She clicked the chat button and found several users online.

A guy with a username “French Charming” sent her a message.

French Charming: HI!
Pam: hello… I’m new here
French Charming: Do you have a cam?
Pam: Oh, nope. I don’t have one yet. I’m kindda new with sites like this…
French Charming: NP. Would you like to watch me?

"Watch???," Pam thought. "What is he a reality TV show?!"

Pam: well ok

French Charming uploaded his cam showing his fully erect thingy, except that Pam didn’t even realize it right away because it seems a bit “underdeveloped.”

“Eeew!” Pam shrieked when it finally dawned to her what French Charming wanted her to watch. “The nerve of this guy!”

Pam clicked the blocked button and thought of signing out when another message flashed on her screen.

Lucas: Hi…
Pam: (oh wow, is this him in his avatar?) hello…

"Pam and Lucas: A Love Story"

2008-03-08T05:28:00.000-08:00

It's been roughly three weeks since Lucas spent any "quality time" with Pam and already, Pam is feeling neglected.

Lucas called her this afternoon and told her he wanted to make it up to her. Pam thought, "How convenient!" While Lucas can just go about his business, she's been freeing most of her time not going out with her friends as much as she used to or planning on anything that would require her to be too busy, so that when Lucas could finally insert her in his itinerary, she will be available.

Lately however, she's been seething with resentment for feeling that she's the only one exerting effort to make their relationship work.

Pam could barely control herself until their dinner is over, "What's up Luke? I mean is there anything I should know? a woman? or are you getting tired of this relationship already?"
"Now where did that came from?" Lucas stared at Pam somewhat confused but also annoyed.
She said, "Well, I dunno... It's just that you've been really distant the last couple of weeks"
"I don't know what you're talking about... I'm on business trips and it's not like I asked to be away all the time. It's my job!"
"It's just that lately we don't talk as much anymore..."
Lucas looked at Pam like she's speaking in Latin. "Is it the time of the month again?"
"No it's not. And I don't ever have PMS! All I'm saying is that we don't talk anymore... Spend time like we used to."
"We're talking now... We talked yesterday on the phone and we had lunch last Tuesday. We are always talking!"
"That's not what I meant!"
"Then what do you mean?"
"We don't talk as in really talk. I don't know how you're feeling anymore or what's going on in your mind..."
"Huhhh?!?"
"I don't really understand what you're talking about. Maybe I should just leave and let you cool off for awhile. I don't really know where this is heading or what your point is."
"Exactly my question, where are we heading?"
"What?!? Will you chill out Pam?! I don't understand how you could freak out all of a sudden for no apparent reason."

Five minutes silence.

"I better go. The guys are over at Craig's and I promised I'll drop by for awhile," Lucas mumbled.

"Fine. No problem."

Lucas gave Pam one last look before he got up his chair, "I'll call you."

-to be continued-

More Than Words

2008-03-05T08:29:00.000-08:00

Saying I love you is not the words

I want to hear from you
It’s not that I want you

not to say but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn’t have to say
That you love me... coz I'd already know

Funny how those three lil' words which I wanted so much to hear you say every now and then has suddenly lost its worth after hearing you say it again and again...

What would you do
if my heart was torn in two?
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real

I've spent so many nights wondering and dreaming how you would envelope me in your arms... How I'd feel safe and warm and loved. Yet after waiting for so long, I have also lost the longing.

You haven't even held me yet, but already I am hurting.

What would you say
if I took those words away?
Then you couldn't make things knew
Just by saying I love you

How could anyone even consider love, when all other things are more important?

They say that time and distance can be overcome by love... Then whatever we have or had cannot possibly be love.

Now that I’ve tried to
Talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
and just reach out your hand
and touch me
Hold me close don’t ever let me go

Perhaps our desire to have that special someone is too strong that we forced ourselves to believe that we are right for each other.

I think I know better now.

More than words
is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn’t have to say
That you love me
Coz I’d already know.

Body Language Clues That Tell Him You're Interested

2007-08-25T11:26:00.000-07:00

Birds do it, bees do it, old people, young people, everyone does it. What is "it," you ask? Flirt! And we bet you didn't know that some of the best flirting can be done without saying a word. Body language is one surefire way to convey your interest ‑- or lack thereof ‑- in a man. But how can you be sure you're sending the right signals?

You're body may be more articulate than you are...

ASK MEN

2007-08-25T11:19:00.000-07:00

Top 10: Signs You're In Love

You've dated your fair share of women and have always enjoyed keeping your options open; but lately, there's this one woman that has you wondering if she's "the one."

From a Man's Point of View

Communication in Relationships

2007-08-11T07:12:00.000-07:00

What is it about men that make them so afraid of confronting their own emotions? -- They would get into brawls, perform death-defying stunts, get drunk and stoned like there is no tomorrow and even dare death, himself... Yet when it comes to assessing what they really want and / or acknowledging how they feel, they’d usually go comatose-like, refusing to even blink for fear that the slightest facial twitch would give them in!

An equally infamous response is when they would butter you up and practically agree with virtually everything that you would say or suggest, i.e., "Don’t you think we ought to go to the next level?," he says, "huh?!?.. well, I think so too." "But aren’t we moving a bit too fast?," he says, "Well, I reckon, if you would really consider it, well, yeah, maybe..." "But then we love each other and love should never really be bounded by time nor place, etc. etc..." and he would go, "er, well, uh, absolutely!" "So we would take the plunge?!?" and he would be plunging into the deepest most secluded place he could find so he could once again enjoy his "independent, hassle-free, commitment-free life."

I have long realized the significant difference in the way men and women communicate. Too often, women would want her man to be sensitive enough to actually be able to "read between the lines" and "feel" her pain and frustrations, albeit her refusal to just spill it out (Now, of course, I’m talking about the initial stage, just before the time she starts elaborating "how she really feels"). Most men, on the other hand, would usually just go, "huh?1? ... What did I do now?!?" and silently prays the she passes over stage 1 (the read-between-the-line stage) quickly and proceed to the next phase, hopefully tomorrow or next week or until such time that she forgets why she got all upset in the first place. After all, he does have more important things in his mind: his dinner is getting cold, his beer is getting warm and his favorite team is now playing on ESPN! I mean, you gotta set your priorities, man!

Because of this very insightful learning, I always (well, almost) try to make it a point that I explain myself clearly: how I feel, why I felt it, what I think he feels about the whole thing, its effects on us, what are the possible alternatives or resolution, etc. etc.

Simple, one might think. Yet how many relationships have already collapsed or are now on the verge of extinction because the couples are too preoccupied with their own wants and are too stubborn or narcissistic to admit how they really feel? How many women are now on the brink of schizophrenia from talking to themselves too much? And how many men are still watching TV, drinking their beers and thinking, "dang!... I shouldn’t have eaten the whole chicken?... I wonder if I can eat two whole chicken though? Hmmm, what time is free porn again?!?"

Don’t get me wrong. I’m no man-hater nor did I intend this to be another man-bashing article (the anecdotes are just too good to pass!). I mean, a lot of men are actually quite handy (of course I'm talking about tools and wires and all those other thinga-ma-jings). A lot of men can also be really sweet and spontaneous, i.e., "I was thinking maybe I should do this and that rather than mope around and wait until something better comes along, considering the odds... why just this afternoon blah blah blah... well, what do you think?" And he said, "... I think you are lovely, you are!" I tell you, it’s a sure-fire way to shut her up!

Still, life could have been a lot simpler if men and women would be able to talk on the same level. No pretenses. No assumptions. No sugar-coated promises. No saying YES when what you really want to say is, "the chances of that ever happening is about .00000001 percent."

So maybe you’d cry and even get hurt really badly once you finally blurt out, "No, I am simply too complacent right now and there is no way I’m gonna pop my protective bubble at this point!" (Now, when I say you might get hurt really badly, I am not exactly ruling out the possibility of "physical pain") But the good news is that, you will finally become liberated from all the emotional turmoil that has been bugging you for say, 30 years! No more prolonging the pain. It’s over and done with. And after hibernating for 10 years (or seconds, depending on your pain threshold), drinking yourself silly and contemplating on climbing Mt. Everest for a breath of fresh air, you’d finally be able to move on and hopefully avoid the same mistakes you’ve done just 3 minutes ago.

But then again, you never know if it’s going to be an entirely different scenario: you and her, him and you -- now on the next level.

So just spill it out. Life can be blissful!!!